Cup Half Full ..

3 Jun

Business. Excitement. Fulfillment. Fear. Sadness. Loneliness.

These are all things I have been feeling the past month.

Now that the Dance Tour has come to an end, I’m so happy I took in every stressful but exciting moment while I had the chance. It was hard, but rewarding. So many kids got the opportunity to see what dance is all about; we educated those who may not have ever learned about dance. Our final showcase is this week, and I’m so excited because my Father will be in town, so he’ll be able to see it! Yay! I’m also proud of myself for working so hard. I’d been doing 14 hrs days all month, and I did my jobs well. I feel so accomplished, and I’m really starting to feel fulfillment from my work. It’s exciting that I’m starting to really see where my career is headed, and what makes me the happiest. 

On the flip side..

Since my best friend has kinda ditched me I’ve been really lonely ..My boyfriend has been training out of province all month as well.. so it was kind of bad timing. I don’t know what to think about friends anymore… It seems as though I’m never interesting or important enough to pay attention to or to be loyal too. I’m not sure if I just have high standards or people are just really selfish now a days. I don’t know about anyone else but I think a best friend should be someone you can depend on, someone who trusts you and you trust them; someone who understands and empathizes with you, as well as respects you and is always honest. I want my best friend to be loyal and real with me, not be two faced or dishonest. I want a friend who I can actually trust, who actually cares and someone who won’t leave all the time. I understand my friends going through a difficult time right now.. but I feel like it’s not fair at this point.. it’s been a month and a half since we’ve actually talked.. he’s never around..never msgs or txts, and when I adressed him he said he didn’t want to talk about it.. I feel like he doesn’t trust me.. after everything I tried to do to prove to him I’mm be there.. and in turn I’m ditched.. just crappy.. 

I’ve also been second guessing some things, and I really wish he was here to talk too.. but he’s not.. I’m just scared I’ll never find someone that truly cares enough to be real with me..

Anyway that’s some of what’s been on my mind.

I Will Not Sink ..

20 May

So much has happened this past month..

I wouldn’t say it’s been my most difficult of times, but it’s been a challenge. My boyfriend left for the month for his job, he’s been in Halifax (and soon to be in Alberta), I’ve had dance tour for Step Into Motion since the first of the month and it’s just ending next week, as well as working my full time job at Wendy’s at night, and my best friend has been kinda out of the picture for the last while.

I’ve been keeping to myself a lot lately; my boyfriend noticed a couple of weeks ago and asked me why.. I didn’t really say much. What I did say though was that I’m sincerely done with relying on people. I and myself alone will be my best-friend, and will souly reply on myself. This is what sort of made this month a challenge…

So my boy left for a full month; this is the longest we’ve been apart since he’s left university. This past weekend was the most we’ve spoken since he’s left, with his schedule and mine being so busy, on top of the time difference. It’s been “meh” but I havn’t been too sad about it, I havn’t really had the time to think about it. I do miss him a lot though! I can’t wait till he’s home.. And since my best friend has kinda been M.I.A I would talk to my boyfriend about some things normally I wouldn’t bring up, but now that I literally couldn’t talk to him I was sort of left by myself with my thoughts. This wouldn’t have been that bad, if it wasn’t for a certain situation arising.. as one always does..

On our dance tour, who of all people is on it? And really for no reason, except ONE duet routine, that wasn’t even crucial to the tour.. The girl whom my boyfriend was taken advantage by.. sexually. She has been popping up in my life over and over due to the fact that I teach at the school she attends. Now she was on tour with me.. Yay. I tried my best to keep a low profile and stay away from her, but what does she do.. She pretty well stalks me, she was everywhere I turned. I placed my things backstage last just so I could be sure I was away from her, and she’d move her things towards me.. like really? She actually got the nerve to start asking me questions about things. Everything within me wanted to snap out and start cursing my face off, and reminding her of how deeply she had hurt me and my relationship, and how I still have deep emotional wounds because of her bull crap; but I couldn’t do that for two reasons. 1) I am a teacher and it would be inappropriate and would in danger my job. 2) I’m better than that, as a person. It was so difficult.. day in and day out, seeing her face, constantly reminding me of the agonizing pain that’s still trying to heal. Then with that crap constantly in my face, it started bringing back painful memories.. and not just of that situation but of my other situation that happened around the same time.. memories started flashing back, emotions started flowing through my heart.. One day last week on tour I couldn’t handle it anymore, my body shut down; and I had the worst anxiety attack I’ve ever experienced in my life. I couldn’t breathe, I was gagging and almost throwing up, my head was spinning and I was restless and dizzy. I went into the hall and tried calming down, and who walks up? Ya you guessed it.. her. She starts talking to me and my friend who was there trying to help me; I stood up and walked away. If I had stayed I would’ve said something I would have regretted for sure. It was probably the closest I’ve ever been to loosing my crap on someone. It has been one of the most emotionally challenging things I’ve had to do.. look that kind of pain in the face everyday and not loose it.. talk about self control. Out of weakness, I told my friend what was going on and why I was reacting the way I was. I told her about the girl and about the other situation  Her reply was actually the most ridiculous and uncaring thing I’ve ever heard.. I’ve only ever told two other people (my boyfriend, and my best friend), I told her straight up, “I was raped.” She said “oh, that sucks.” Like what in the hell is wrong with you? I just told you the most shameful, hurtful and embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me and you say oh that sucks? Yea it sucks! It sucks feeling that shame, and it sucks to have flash backs of those unpleasant memories, that haunt you everyday of the thing you couldn’t stop.. you couldn’t control.. yea, really “sucked.” Cummon.. So the rest of that day I just didn’t talk to anyone.. I kept my mouth shut, did my job and kept my head down.. because if I didn’t I was either going to combust into flames of fury or tears. When I got home I texted my best friend, even though he’d been off the radar for a while.. I NEEDED someone. Sadly, he was only able to text me back twice because he was at work. Later that night when my boyfriend called I snapped after he asked what was wrong, and told him everything. He was in shock. He was very supportive and uplifting.. which made me feel better.. but feeling better is one thing, feeling healed is another.. and there’s still quite sometime for that to be finished..

So with all of that, I’ve also been working 5-8 hrs shifts at Wendy’s at night till 12:30am. So I’ve been pulling 14hrs days. Not only was I emotionally drained but physically as well.

I’ve been really missing my best friend.. he’s never around, and just started texting me back today. Starting to get discouraged about best friends in general. I’ve never had a best friend work out.. they always end up stabbing me in the back for no reason, or leaving because of feelings.. stupid.. I guess I just suck at the whole best friend thing.. I don’t know.

On the other hand, I found a new apartment that I hopefully get to sign for on Tuesday. It’s beautiful and just what I want! I hope I get it!! If I do, I move in June 1st. Yay! I’m so excited to decorate. I’ll post photos for sure; because I loooove interior decorating!

Also I have been so inspired lately! I have so many ideas I wish I had time to execute them all! When I have down time I will for sure start their processes. So many great dance pieces roaming around my head! I already started mixing my hip hop solo for next year, and have a piece worked out for next years harvest tour in the fall, along with an additional piece. So excited! From pain comes beauty!

That’s it for now, or rather all I feel like typing.. There’s also been a lot of activism work I’ve been doing about cyber bullying but we’ll leave that for another time. 🙂

I hope my words are inspiration too some of you, no matter how hard your situation is or circumstances are you can rise above and be the better person. Love others, love yourself people!

Hello Alone ..

2 May

So this all too familiar friend has come back for a visit.. loneliness, accompanied by his partner in crime isolation. My best friend seems so distant that I barely know anything anymore, and I’m almost too tired to make an effort anymore. I’m so exhausted with all the hard work I’ve been doing at all my jobs and extra volunteer jobs, but I’ve been loving the fruits of my labor. But apparently, according to one individual .. I “complain and whine all the time!” Also I should apparently get my life together and stop depending on people for emotional support (which I don’t and have not done for this past year). I guess I need to “shut my little mouth” and “stop annoying” with my “problems” which arn’t important enough to listen too. I’m just so socially frustrated right now and hearing that from the one person I knew I could talk to was a knife to the heart. I feel so alone. I try making friends all the time, and I’m friendly and outgoing with almost everyone I meet. But for some reason people just don’t do the whole friendship thing as a two way.. everyone expects a one way street.. and I’ve had enough of that for my life time.. friendship goes both ways, and I guess I can’t be bothered with people who I know will treat me like that. Perhaps I’m setting my standards to high? Perhaps I’m setting them to high in order to avoid being hurt again by a close friend. I don’t know.. I’m just being spattered right now in attempt to blowing off some steam.. I’m a talkative person and when something bothers me I wanna talk it out until it makes sense, because I’m analytical. Apparently to others I come of as annoying I guess.. whatever.. I can’t change who I am.. I feel like I’ve been circling a track in my mind for the last month, I have nobody to talk too.. nobody I can trust.. nobody who actually even cares enough to listen and have a conversation. I miss my best friend.. so much it hurts almost sometimes.. I wish I had that person to talk too and have fun conversations with and just goof around thinking about random stuff. Nobody is dependable though.. everyone ends up alone one way or another.. I’ve been going non-stop since 8 am yesterday till now and have another full day today .. and got through it all just to talk to this person.. and then they say all that.. sorry I’m not sorry for being myself. I’m a good person and I don’t think I tell myself that enough.. and I’m finally doing things I was always afraid of doing because of failure.. and even though I’m terrified I’m still doing it. That’s admirable to some degree. I try day in and out to be a better person and make better and better choices for myself and those around me.. I’m smart and caring, enthusiastic, great with kids, good at what I do, creative, and loving. I need to remind myself of those things.. I think everyone needs to remind themselves of their good qualities every once in a while. Other wise I think Id be a mess.. Not sure if this jumbled mess makes sense.. stressful day.. just want a hug, an I love you and a I’m sorry.. and I won’t be getting any of those tonight, and most likely not tmrw.. but I most certainly will tone down the caring another notch.. if it’s passive you want, passive you will get.. I’m passive with everyone else in my life right now anyway. Trust no one. Let in very few. Love all. Simple yet effective.

Can anybody hear me ..

8 Apr

I would really like to know the answer to this question.. Is there something wrong with me, or something wrong with other people? I’ve been feeling really alone lately. I only have one best friend, who hasn’t been around lately, my boyfriends contract extended a week in Newfoundland, my mom is another story,  and all my other friends don’t feel like friends anymore.

My “friends” are people I hang out with and enjoy the company of, but I can never really talk about anything personal or deep with them. When I try to get into those topics I find they feel awkward and never know how to respond. Either that or the things I talk about just don’t make sense to them, they don’t understand what I’m saying; almost as if I’m from another planet.

When it comes to talking to my boyfriend, he doesn’t understand either. I love and need to talk about certain things, as well as talk about silly things; because most times the silly things help us really understand a person. I feel like he doesn’t really care about any of it.. he much rather sit in silence or watch a movie with a beer.. I enjoy that, but I also enjoy quality conversation. I’m willing to meet halfway, but he won’t even step outside the door of “Tv/beer” land for 5 minutes to appease me. I sit and do his thing all the time, I guess it’s just frustrating that there’s no give and take. It’s been especially difficult the last two weeks, since he’s been out of province working. I don’t even get to enjoy his company during “Tv/beer” time cause he’s far away. So I’ve been literally staring at him on skype, watching him stare at the tv..

My mother half understands everything I say. I want to talk to her about things but she almost always has, what feels like, a hidden agenda. She always hints at her disapproval of my choices, and constantly repeats the same thing over and over, word for word. It gets exhausting hearing the same sentences in instant reply day in and day out. Also I feel like I can never speak, it’s always something regarding her or how she feels. No matter what were talking about, somehow, someway the subject comes back to her, and something to do with feeling sorry for her situation. I love my mom dearly, but sometimes I just lose my temper, I can only take so much of repetitive feelings that are regardless. I understand were a lot alike and we both need that “conversational” type lifestyle to be happy, but my god.. at least I don’t use the same phrases over and over again. Also, it bothers me that I can barely get a word in edge wise unless I raise my voice, because she just talk talk talk talk talks right on over me; almost the same thing goes for how i perceive things. She yells and gets upset with me about certain things and does the whole “guilt trip” thing, and I eventually get irritated and do whatever it is she wants, but today I just lost it because I asked her to do one thing for me, a very simple thing, and she flat out said no. I asked her again nicely, then she flipped out on me yelling and saying how she does this and that and she doesn’t want to, and how she isn’t a child and etc. I’m like.. what in the world. She does this every single time. She calls me immature, yet I’m not the one having a tantrum. It’s like it’s okay for her to ask me for anything, but when I ask for something it’s already a no. Frustrating. So all in all, I feel like I can’t talk to her all the time because her opinion is biased.

Lastly, since last week I feel like my best friend hasn’t been around at all. I understand he’s busy with work and  things but I’ve barely received any text messages from him since last Wednesday. Usually were always texting about something, or snapchatting but it feels like he dropped off the grid since last week. It almost seems like after last Wednesday night/ Thursday morning he’s been avoiding talking to me. I asked him about it and he said no, he’s just been busy.. but I guess it just feels like something more because I guess that’s all I’ve really known. If someone who regularly communicates with you all of a sudden stops, in all my experience, it means they’ve grown sick of you. This week in particular, the thought of that has been tearing me apart. He’s the closest thing I have, the only person I feel safe enough to really tell things too and I feel like I’ve screwed it up by talking too much. I tried explaining this too him, but I’m not sure if it actually makes sense.. I’ll try to explain..

I feel most happy when I have a constant ebb of conversation. As soon as something happens that’s exciting or monumental to me, I feel the need to express it to someone through talking. I also need to talk through my problems or stresses; I find that’s really the one true way to release any sadness or anxiety. I realize I can’t put all of that on one person, so I try to divide up what I talk about and too whom. I guess I havn’t been doing a very good job.

I don’t know and I feel like a crazy person, maybe I havn’t met the right people? I don’t know. But I’m so tired of feeling crazy, “needy” and weird. In my opinion all people “need” different things, and in my case it’s conversation. I’m not sure if other people are aware of that or not..? I’m not weak or needy just because I enjoy other peoples feed back, and listening ear. Maybe I enjoy the reassurance that I’m not out of my mind, which clearly I am because nobody seems to want to listen or talk for that matter.

It’s been a rough week of being ignored, unheard and unacknowledged.

Inspiration on wheels..

3 Apr

I was in the car today listening to my ipod, when this song came on. I hadn’t listened to this band in a while, and instantly when I first heard it again I was inspired to create something. I’m not giving details now, but I will say this. It’s not aimed to throw religion in your face, it’s simply a powerful song that – to me- speaks about rising above and loving others. I plan on incorporating some text “explaining” my concept at the end of the piece. I’ve already decided it will be in the style of lyrical hip-hop. I’m going to start working on it asap, then hoping to perfect it by the time the weathers nice so I can film outdoors. I’ll link the Youtube address when I upload it! Just an awesome inspiring update!!

I love when inspiration just hits you in the face, out of no where. The best kind of it in my opinion. Also, am I the only one who works best in a method of transportation? Ex. Bus, car, train, metro etc.. Funny how my best work often starts in a vehicle.

Summer lovin’..

2 Apr

Please listen to that while reading this! Get into the vibe of things.

So this summer is destined for greatness. Last summer was apart of the hardest time of my life, so this summer is dedicated to care free bliss.

I plan on working my booty off and making lots of money to put aside for school in September but also would like to do the following.

1. Learn how to skate board with my best friend (and not die doing it)

2. Get my tragus pierced or get another small tattoo.

3. Wear cute clothes every chance I get.

4. Tan in the sun.

5. Go to the beach more than 3 times.

6. Eat ice cream and gelato or frozen yogurt at least twice a month.

7. See all the movies I’ve been stoked for, coming out this summer.

8. Watch the sunset and sunrise.

9. Chill under the stars with friends.

10. Have a mini vacation, go to another city for a few days (once or twice).

11. Listen to music everyday and jam to our mixtapes on random roadtrips.

12. Drink slushies.

13. Do a D.I.Y project.

14. Film an inspirational/concept piece.

15. Eat lots of fresh fruit.

16. Not give an “F” for a day.

17. Photo shoots (because this is the last year I’m staying in my home town).

18. Dance in the pouring rain.

19. Get my definition back.

20. Yoga, everyday OUTSIDE!

Sounds awesome to me? What about anyone else lol

The tide is hot but I’m moving on..

2 Apr

Crazy time of the year! In the next two months I have a dress rehearsal, competition, recital, workshops to teach, and a month long tour across SD&G. Holy cow. Anyone who is a dancer or dance instructor knows that this time of the year is crunch time! I’ve been exhausted, in-between all the classes I teach (both my studio job and volenteer job), rehearsals and choreographing, plus my job which is pushing 20 hrs a week.. In total I’m working over 40 hrs a week; Cra-zyyy!

Hopefully that is enough explanation as to why I havn’t posted in while, but my mind has most certainly been collecting clutter over the last while. It’s almost funny; the array of things that cross my thoughts. Let’s break this down into sections shall we..

DANCE

Okay, so I’m super stoked for the performances and the next two months of constant rehearsal. To some it may be too much, but for me it’s just enough. When I feel overwhelmed with projects I’m the happiest. That way I feel as though I am constructively using my time, not only helping and teaching kids and teens, but bettering myself as an artist. Double whammy! I love what I do, and cannot wait to see my kids perform. They are all so talented and I tell them everyday! The amount of creativity they have, and excitement when they dance or learn something new keeps me motivated. I wanted to share something that happened at class last week.. A little girl in my beginners class came up to me in class crying during our free dance segment. I asked her what was the matter and she said she missed her mother. The longer I spoke with her, the more clear the situation became. It seemed as though her parents just separated. Her older brother is in the same class as her, and I noticed he was a bit “off”,  so hearing this made everything click. I asked if she wanted to participate to get her mind off of it, but instead she wanted to sit in my lap as I played the music for the rest of the group. She sat there for a full song crying on my shoulder, then I started another song for another dance game and she looked up at me and asked if she could go dance, I told her “of course!” and before you knew it, she was smiling and laughing as if nothing happened. She’s 4 years old. As I watched her dance with her older brother, who held her hand and twirled her in circles, I felt my heart break a little. I feel so sorry for what they have to go through at such a young age, and I feel sorry for the family. Divorce is sad for everyone, or that’s my take on it (unless under abusive circumstances, then divorce is great in a way). After the song was nearly done the little girl gave her big brother a huge kiss on the cheek and he smiled, something tells me they’ll be okay.

On the flip side of things, my volunteer job.. is both fantastic and incredibly stressful. Long story short, the coordinator of the event, whom constantly tells people I am her “creation” (which I am not), keeps calling me by the wrong name. At first years ago it was alright.. but it’s been 5 years. And the deal is I choreograph, teach and tour all for free for the students and she gives me exposure. I like this because I love working with kids and really enjoy teaching, as well with the fact I get to create choreography that I want with a large group of students. I understand that the deal isn’t the best because I am literally teaching 8 hour days, and choreographing on my own time which I can’t even calculate the hours (cause I work on them all the time) as well as touring a full month, all for free. But, it’s for the kids and I love what I do. But the name thing is really bothering me, I mean really all I get (excluding the joy of doing what I love) is exposure of my work/name. And she is mis-spelling my name .. everywhere. My name is Jocelyn. Not Jacquline, Joyce, or Joylyn. Get it right. It’s almost insulting at this point, after 5 years of “knowing” me.. anyhow.. lol. This last segment of this topic blends into my next topic.. so here we go..

One of my closest friends helps me teach some classes at my volunteer job, the only reason she gets to help is because she was there when I was there and the coordinator felt bad. I hate saying that because she is a close friend and that just sounds awful, but thats what the coordinator said to me. And if we are being purly honest.. She cannot and should not teach children. Period. She is loud and obnoxious, potty mouthed and has anger problems. She has gotten up in my face three times (literally in my face) while I was instructing. I hate to say it, bt next time it happens, I’m going to have to take her into the office and ask her to calm herself or leave. The students dislike her, and treat her with no respect because she does not respect them. She yells, doesn’t instruct. Expects, doesn’t teach. And most of all, has no patience WHICH IS KEY to teaching children. And I am sorry if you cannot control your foul language when teaching then you should not teach. It’s a terrible example for youth to see a person in “authority” act immature and crude. Here’s a sample of the type of remarks she says while in the class room, directed towards me..” It’s right then left, maybe you should read your notes before you teach your class huh.” If I wasn’t in classroom… just kidding. But that’s both disrespectful and rude, and on-top of that she was wrong. I’m just not digging the disrespect and no appreciation at this point. Which leads into my next topic..

PREGNANCY

My close friend that I was just speaking about, is now expecting. With the guy she kicked out a month ago, who is a fool and ridiculous and riddled with insecurity, drug, control and anger problems. She herself has maturity issues, anger problems, and a sex addiction. They were dating for 3 months. She bragged about not using protection and him not “pulling out.” I’m so scared for this child it’s unreal. If you’ve read my post a few months back about teen pregnancy then you already know my feelings. It’s not all hate, I believe some teens can make great parents.. but I’ve know this girl for 7 years.. I can read this story like a book. She’s only had one real job, which was waitresing under the table at a Chinese restaurant. She parties almost every other weekend. She pays for things with welfare and always has, which makes no sense because she has no disabilities and has perfect standings to find a job (considering I’ve printed her over 50 resumes). She mooches food and car rides from people even though she can very well pack a lunch and use the bus tickets welfare gives her for free. And can somehow support a heavy cigarette addiction (which she has not stopped even though she’s pregnant) She basically at this point in her life, represents everything I hate. Laziness, self pity, and excuse making. I’m sorry, but my family has been struggling on and off financially for years and we were on welfare once for only a few months due to my father loosing his job and unable to find another. That is what welfare is for, for people who have no means to make ends meet. Not for people to abuse the system and collect tax payers money because they feel like getting high instead of handing out job applications. It’s not fair, too anyone. On top of the fact that she is not mentally, financially or emotionally prepared to raise a child she honestly has no clue what she’s doing. My friend (her close friend as well) who has a daughter, and myself told her to get a job asap to start saving money, and to have somewhere to go back to once the baby is born and things settle into a routine. Has she looked for anything? No. We’ve sent her tons of links and applications, but nope..she can’t be bothered. My mom asked her if she applied to one place she had linked her to and she said she hadn’t had time, when 5 minutes earlier she was telling me how she slept that week everyday from 8pm till 4pm the next day. Mind..blown. She also wants me to be the Godmother just because, and I quote “we’ve never had a fight.” Um? That’s because you don’t listen to a damn thing I say anyways, what’s there to fight about. She’s been eating nothing but McDonalds and Tim Hortons and slacking off at dance. She complains she’s sick and sore.. like.. Hey I’ve been sick and sore legitimately for the past 3 months, do you see me complaining? No. I put my butt in gear and get stuff done, cause nothing great gets accomplished sitting on your toosh. I’m sorry this may be scattered and hard to understand and I may be coming across judgemental, but I am leaving a lot out because I don’t want to over detail this..  I am just very heated and emotional about all of this because I care about her and she just doesn’t listen to anyone. We warn her, and advise her and she makes mistake after mistake and comes crying later… and my heart keeps breaking and breaking for her because I genuinely care so much.. but this situation has been too much. I’ve been trying to back off of our friendship for a little bit, so I can get a clear head of how to respond to her. Because at this point I’m ready to explode. And I don’t want that because I care about the girl, she’s a very close friend. She has many fantastic qualities, but lately it’s just been non sense and I’m just ready to tap out.

Last topic and I swear it’s awesome… ACTUALLY it’s so awesome I’m going to write a separate thread for it. So continue reading In the post up above ^ 🙂 If you don’t continue reading…

Hopefully that didn’t come of terrible and mean, but I have been a ticking time bomb with those two subjects and needed to release some tension before I went all hounded on them (if you understand that movie reference then you are awesome!)